At 5 pm when my last massage client left I waited a few minutes before letting my cat Chickpea out for his final patrol of the day. Sometimes I accompany him on this last round to assure his safety. Last month I was watching the sky for predators as our hawk count has tripled with the warm winter and this month it is a fox that has put me on high alert. Chickpea is so slight now that when he purrs it rocks his slim body from side to side and as I run my hand down his back it is nothing but fur and bones.Fourteen years ago, when my little farm on Joy Road was a sanctuary for injured wildlife, he showed up one day. I thought he was a neighbor’s cat because he wore a collar. I didn’t want a cat but I liked how he came every day to help me with chores. I had rounds to make, barns to clean, squirrels and ducks and goats to feed. And it was nice to have a big muscular orange cat for company.
Something is changing within me. It's almost as if someone has flipped a switch. I have out grown the space in which I live. I know that change is both inevitable and impossible. Yet I find myself compelled by an inner genetic code that this is the time to make significant, life-changing decisions. It's like the caterpillar making her journey to just the right position because she knows that change must come. That is the way it is for me. I have a sense of knowing that my time has come and that I need to fully participate and cooperate with this deepening, refining, and liberating moment in my life.
Growth is never easy but the transition can be smooth or turbulent. At least a part of that is for me to decide. It’s time I leave worthless things behind – weights and unnecessary burdens, and thoughts that have hindered me as they make their continuous cycle in my mind. Yesterday I had such an authentic moment where who I really am just appeared and it was a revelation. Like the caterpillar making her metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly, my transformation is destined to take place. And I want to grow upward into the next level available to me. Like that butterfly, I want to break free from my fears, insecurities and everything that rises against my desire to live a good and healthy life. I’m ready to shed this cocoon because it is full of useless ideas about myself that hurt me and limit my ability to function at my highest potential. Its not healthy for me to think that I am not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, loved enough or gifted enough.
I am not someone who needs more of everything. I am constantly weeding through what I have to sustain me, and giving away whatever I can. I choose to live a comfortable life, not a wasteful one. Plus, I work better when things are in good order. Too many people buy things they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t know. Truly ‘rich’ people need less to be happy.
Last month I asked a friend to help me empty my garage. I hadn’t cleaned out that space for ten years. We took everything out even the spare fence boards on the rafters, every tool, down to the last nail. It was cleansing to throw out old tiki lamps, rusted tools, an outdated inversion table, and then sorting through the rest, giving away what I didn’t need. It was heavenly putting back in what I wanted to keep. I am filled with peace when I slide open the garage door and see everything in its place.
As a young girl shopping with my mom in the Piggly Wiggly, I often wandered off to help somebody find something. Fifty years later I’m still helping people find things: keys, dreams, purpose, good health.
If life is a department store then I am that clerk who wants to know if she can help you find something . . . anything at all. I have an ability to help people find things, all sorts of things and sometimes when people start looking for something they wind up finding stuff they didn’t even know that they were looking for.
I have known for decades that our thoughts affect our reality but I never found the gale force wind to blow me out of the boat of my negative and persistent patterns of thinking and behaving. I’ve used breath, affirmations, prayer, writing, exercises and countless other techniques to escape the traps set by my past and still I become that scared 10 year old over and over again.